What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I don,t even have a pension.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

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I was 9 years of age.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

All the time i was locked up.

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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

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But it wasn’t much.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

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But, we were locked up after school.

As i do to all so called friends.?

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I said to her

Especially a lifetime of it.

Why do some guys treat girls so badly?

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

But ive been too sick for many years..

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He resisted the act ,that day.

I never cut or harmed myself..

My family never makes their pension either.

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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She married twice! .

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It was going to be , some day.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

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We were not on the streets..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Would this be the day?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Comes on , in middle age.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

She wouldn,t have been !

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I could never make a relationship work though!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I waited trembling.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She found it foreign!.

She loved him until the end.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Im still living with it.

This is soul school!.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

One cannot live in the past .

I was seconnd youngest,

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

They are buried together, in the same grave..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I was very sick at this time too.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I couldn’t, believe it.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

So, i spoilt her more .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

She was in good health!

(And it was in our own minds.)

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Ive learnt so much.

I write beautiful poetry .

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Put me off passion for life!!

Who then, do I blame.?

Where the ultimate outsiders.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

What did i know ?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I will be 64.

I was scared of men, in general

I know ,a lot about trauma.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

So whats the point in blame.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I think the readers, may guess!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I have no regrets .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

And i lived it daily.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

When she asked me how she looked .

He knew the spot.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

We all went to grammer schools

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

My life is so biszare .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!